“I’m too sad to write.”
I heard a friend say this just the other night at a small writer’s retreat we attended.
Too sad to write. Yes. I know this.
She was referring to her own heart-trial, and though the words weren’t spoken for me, it was the first time in a long time that something clicked into place in my heart. The answer to why I couldn’t update my blog very often. Why I couldn’t seem to get personal. Those of you hanging around here might have noticed. I’m just not here as often as I once was. And when I am, it’s almost always about something fun–the good news. Never is it about the sadness. The sadness that has taken hold of my life so deeply, that I’ve lost my voice. It’s still there with beloved novels in the works. When I spend my evenings in the make-believe. In crafting the love stories at the very center of my writing career. My happy place in an orchard somewhere in the mountains of Appalachia. A place where love and hope reign.
But it’s also in these evenings that I sometimes find myself lacking the energy to write. Instead I put on my slippers, sit on the bed and pull a blanket close. Looking around at the room and realizing how empty it is. How alone I am. Oh, the sadness.
Has it really been nearly a year of this grief? Nearly a year of this broken? Was it really months upon months ago that those beloved feet headed off?
It has been that long and at times I feel myself growing faint with it.
And yet ever-present is the body of Christ at work, bringing comfort and hope. With so much love that it keeps me going. It puts meals in the freezer for the kids and I and kindling on our front porch. It puts love in our hearts and smiles on our faces and in the days when I am so frail and feel like I have nothing left to give, these people wrap me up and whisper God’s promises in the deepest, most despairing parts of me. They speak right into the broken, infusing me with the strength to get through just one more day. One more night. And if I keep doing that, the sun really will rise. I can see it now. The faintest of glows on the horizon.
It’s in the Proverb I turned to this morning. Laced right there in the Psalms. Hope.
O God, You are my God; Early will I seek You;
My soul thirsts for You; My flesh longs for You
In a dry and thirsty land where there is no water.
So I have looked for You in the sanctuary,
To see Your power and Your glory.
Because Your lovingkindness is better than life,
My lips shall praise You.
Thus I will bless You while I live;
I will lift up my hands in Your name.
My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness,
And my mouth shall praise You with joyful lips.
When I remember You on my bed,
I meditate on You in the night watches.
Because You have been my help,
Therefore in the shadow of Your wings I will rejoice.
My soul follows close behind You;
Your right hand upholds me.
(Psalm 63: 1-8)
It is in this dry and thirsty land that I sit and finally type these words. Words to express both the sadness and the pain. Both the crying out and the trust in the Lord. He is good. He is faithful. He is in every corner of emptiness and every corner of alone. He fills in the broken pieces with light so that good can shine out of it. I hope one day these cracks might be able to help others, but for today, I am thankful for those who have gone before me and who remind me daily that He is the lifter of my head. Even in the sadness, to God be all glory for ever and ever, amen.
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Comments are always treasured. For this post especially, will you help me keep them gentle and encouraging? Should thoughts arise of a different nature, would you be so kind as to lift those words to the Lord in prayer, or if something is pressing, please feel free to contact me privately.
My beloved friend. This post, so full of words as true and grace-drenched as your heart… thank you for sharing it with us today. Even in this dry and thirsty land, our God’s faithfulness and light pour through that heart, touching lives around you with such hope. I’m praying an embrace of hope and peace around you today, my dear friend. You are brave and beautiful and beloved. <3
What precious and heartbreaking words. I just knew I would like you after reading my very first book of yours. I believe you live near Idyllwild (?). We are also in Southern California (near Temecula). You will now be in my thoughts and prayers.
Dear Joanne, I am so sorry for the painful experiences you are going through. I had no idea your were suffering like this. I will lift you up in prayer and ask the Lord to send an extra measure of love and comfort to you. I appreciate your honesty and will keep you and your needs in my heart and prayers.
My heart hurts for you. I will pray for you!
You are constantly loved by the Father ~ and me, and countless readers and your author friends, and your dear Momma ~ so love you and your heart…and Lonnie, for sure. You are a precious sister and will keep you in my prayers and I know Jesus is near. Kathleen ~ Lane Hill House
Thank you for being so honest, Joanne. I know that sometimes the pain is so great, we numb ourselves to it so we can be able to function at all. Big hugs coming your way and what an encouragement those verses were to me today, too. Thank you for opening your heart!
Dear Joanne, my heart breaks to read of this difficult season for you. Praying God strengthens your heart, covers you with His joy and surrounds you with His sweet presence. He is faithful and changes not. Hugs to you and yours!!
Dearest sweet Laura,
Please know that I will be remembering you in my prayers. I am so very sorry for the hard place you are in right now. But one thing I know I can tell you…though weeping endure for the night, JOY WILL COME! And when it does, you will write like never before. God will help you, and He will use you through this season of sadness. He will reveal Himself to you, and He will change who you are into something greater.
February is an anniversary month for me as well.
Forty years ago this month, my husband and I left the driveway of my parents to head to New England. We had no idea of the things the Lord had in mind. Exactly 40 years later the month, we drove back into this same driveway to begin a new chapter in our lives.
While in New England, we founded and pastored a church for 38 years. During this 40 years, I lost my father, and my brother, both at young ages, I had 2 beautiful children who grew up loving Jesus, both married Godly spouses, and have given my husband and I 3 beautiful grandchildren.
The Lord spoke to us five years ago to turn our church over our assistant pastors and move back to Texas to birth a new missions ministry. This was a process, and to obey Him, we had to lay all at His feel once again.
For the second time in my life, I had to leave family & land for the Kingdom. We, like you, are in a waiting process. There has been sadness in the loss, but we know that JOY WILL COME out of what He has required of us. He will restore to us more than what we had given up for Him. We gave a future and a hope in Him, and His will.
You are a blessing. You are greatly loved. He has much ahead for you.
Love you, a friend
How God’s timing is unique…I just finished a blog to post later this week and mention you in it. You helped me through my own dry and thirsty day at Mount Hermon and I was blessed–I still am. Praying for your heart, Joanne, and rest from the doubt and sadness that trips your journey. May God give you someone with the exact words to fill your lonely heart with purpose and into the sunshine. You are a rare woman with an amazing talent for the written word, always pointing your readers to Christ.
I hope that you remember this: you have touched many lives. Mine especially. Had it not been for your tenderness and hope for MY writing, I would probably not be writing to try to encourage you. And although Jeremiah 29:11 is wonderful, I’ll leave you with this:
Romans 12:12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
You are in prayer, uplifted by friends.
A beautiful, heart sharing post. I pray you will sense the presence of Almighty God. I pray that the lonely places will be filled with the peace of God’s abiding presence. Isa 61:3 says “He gives us beauty for ashes; the oil of joy for mourning; the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that we may be trees of righteousness – the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified”.
I see this happening in your life. You are finding His illuminating light is unquenched by darkness.
Oh honey.
I don’t know the why, but I know the deep.
And I’m here, praying for you.
Joanne, I wish I could speak the kind of encouragement to you that your stories always speak so eloquently and deeply to me. I don’t know if this will be at all helpful…but last year as I wrote Keep Holding On, I remember thinking so clearly when I started out that it was going to be a book about holding on to God, holding on to faith. And by the time I reached The End, I’d realize it wasn’t so much a story about me/us holding on…but a story about how God holds onto me. And how when we’re ready to let go because of the hurt or heartache we’re facing, he holds on tighter but also gentler than ever.
I’m praying you feel that “holding on” today and throughout this hard season.
Joanne,
You are loved. You are treasured. He is the God Who sees you. I don’t know the cause of your pain and heartache but I have walked through those valleys of sadness and darkness where the only thing I knew for certain was that God was there even though I couldn’t feel Him with me. I am lifted you up to the Everlasting Arms. You are not alone.
I think that our sorrows can often be the hardest offering to give, and you shared yours with such beautiful faith, Joanne. I was ministered to by your heart and words that you shared, as well as encouraged by the love poured out in the words of response from the body. I am hurt for your brokeness, and am with these precious others in prayer over you and your dear ones.
With you in His Spirit,
april
You know I love you, Joanne. I am always here for you. You are a gifted writer, but you are also my friend, first…
Sweet Joanne, you know I love you. I am praying for you. It breaks my heart that you are suffering so. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. Know that you have always been a blessing to me.
You know I’ve been holding your heart in my hands up to the sky for awhile now, praying for you. Much love, my friend.
When our hearts are sad, our Lord is there with us. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing with us. Praying for you.
Being real in life takes courage. There’s most definitely a cost when we are real; but I believe there’s a greater cost when we aren’t.
You are called to rise up, and I know, in time, that you will.
For now, though … seeking comfort from a warm blanket and connection with gentle, genuine souls is one of the most divine things you can do.
Take heart. You are not alone.
Hugs, hugs, hugs, and prayers for you, dear friend!
I will be continually lifting you up in prayer, Joanne. I am so sorry that you have been going through this and pray for God’s comforting arms around you to hold you up and give you strength.
Love you much, Joanne. I just ache for you. Praying that you feel God’s love and presence in powerful ways, unmistakeble ways. Holding you up in prayer daily.
One of my favorite verses when the pain is too deep is John 11:35. Jesus wept. It reminds me that despite my earthly loneliness and pain, I’m not truly alone. That in those moments when I don’t even have tears to shed, He is experiencing my pain and heartache and weeping for me. Know that our Lord loves us and will not let us go. We are His, and He is ours. Thank you for your open and honest post. It’s an honor to be able to pray for a sister. ❤
Grieving that you are hurting, Joanne, but grateful for your vulnerability and example of clinging to Jesus through this heartache…may He hold you ever closer in His everlasting arms. Know that you are loved and held in prayer, even by those of us who mainly “know” you through your beautiful stories. Hugs, dear one…
Joanne just a few weeks ago I read your book The Lady and the Lionheart, the first ever of your books. It was a wonderful book. I had no idea you were going through a dry and thirsty time in your life. On your videos you are always upbeat and smiling.
I have been through those times myself and I know it’s hard. I hung on to the promise in God’s Word that “joy will come in the morning”. Sometimes it feels like it will never come but it will. Please know that I will be praying for you as you write your stories that are so real to us readers.
PS: I’ve already bought the rest of your books and they are on my TBR list.
As you know, I’m struggling to find the energy or motivation to write (and not just stories, but I’m a musician as well and songs are not coming to me right now). So this post was really an encouragement to me! It’s hard to just sit back and rest in the peace of the Father and count the blessings He has bestowed on us, but lately I’ve taken the time to do just that and I’ve found some peace. I’m still struggling with inspiration, and it may take a while for my heart to heal and open itself up to all the possibilities life has. Still, I’ve found rest and contentment and I’ll keep my eyes set on that for the time being and trust that the Father will inspire me to move forward 🙂
Joanne, your beautiful post brought me to tears – I’ve been through periods of deep sadness and relate to the heartache it brings. So does God – He loves you and is right there beside you, even during your periods of feeling most alone. Waiting was painful, however, in His perfect timing – He used the trials in my life to work for my good, bring me peace and joy, and draw me nearer Him. He will for you also – I love you and am praying for the restoration of your peace, comfort, strength, hope, and joy!! Thanks for sharing your heart with us and for the blessing and inspiration your words always are to me. Blessings to you and yours – and hugs from afar!!
My heart and prayers are with you, sweet friend. I wish I lived closer so I could give you a hug. Thank you for being brave and vulnerable with us.
Beautiful psalm, beautiful words. I wish the phrase “too sad to write” wasn’t so resonant, but that valley is real and deep and hard. Hugs and fortitude, friend. The words and stories will be waiting for you when you’re ready.
You put into words what so many of us are afraid to say because we, too, in some way have been there. Praying the balm of peace over you, Joanne. xx
I’m so very saddened to know you are hurting, Joanne, and I will be praying for you as you journey through this valley. Thank you for sharing your brave, beautiful heart!
Dear Idyllwild writing friend. I can’t believe it’s been over a year since we broke bread together and shared what was happening in our writing and personal lives. My heart was saddened with you to read your blog today. I wish I was there to take you out to that wonderful Italian restaurant for a time of friendship, fellowship, prayer, and a shoulder to lean and cry on. I’ve been praying for you all day since reading your blog and please know I’m just a message a way. You are brave. You are strong. But you also are sad right now and that’s OK. Lean into God and all those friends and family bringing you food, kindling and love. Praying for you sweet friend.
Oh, dear, dear Joanne, I am hugging you with my prayers, wishing I could be with you to put my arms around you too. Praying you will feel the strength and hope of our Father’s everlasting arms. Love you, sweet friend.
Precious Joanne, My heart hurts for you. May you feel the His arms around you. His angels surround you. I’ll be covering you in prayer.
Shalom and Blessings!
My heart aches for you, Joanne. Ten years ago I was in that broken place too. I would not have chosen to go through that, but I know now the experience has made me a stronger, better woman who is closer to God. My children were 10 and 16 at the time, so they are grown and gone from home now. My books (and author and reader friends) are life-lines for me. Cling to God. It DOES get easier, though it takes time. Thank you for trusting us enough to share with us. You are loved!
Joanne, Your words resonate in my broken heart. Jesus will carry us through this season and we’ll overcome in his power. The verse on my prayer wall (aka bathroom mirror) is Isaiah 26:3 Keep your mind on God and He’ll give you peace.
With prayers.
You are dearly loved by many! And being lifted up in prayer! A gift from God. I know He is carrying you through these difficult days. I am so sorry for your pain. Thankful you have Jesus to hold on to moment by moment. Hugs and love to you.
Dear Joanne, Our paths haven’t crossed much lately but I think of you often. I’ll be praying for you, my dear friend. <3
Oh. My. Joanne, I am undone by your heart-words. I will be praying for you. It is clear that God caught you and is catching you and you are letting him ~ which reminds me of something I heard earlier this week. The name of Maya Angelou’s book ~ And Still I Rise. Really it should be And Still God Lifts Me, for we know he is what keeps us going. But we need to be willing. You so obviously are. Bless you, sweet friend. And rest in His arms.
Joanne, words can lift up and words can tear down. With that in mind I will say very little except thank you. Thank you for your honest, heart-felt words. I am very touched. Thank you for encouraging us through this post. I’m very sorry for what you are and have been going through. May your feel God’s loving hands holding you up.
Joanne, thank you so much for your honesty and willingness to share. You have ministered to me, and I’m sure so many others, through your books. Now it’s time for us to minister to you through prayer. Lifting you up during this hard time!
Dear Joanne: Thank you so much for sharing from the heart. I am so sorry to hear you are hurting so badly, and have been hurting for so long. We don’t know each other personally, but please know that I will lift you in prayer each and every day as you walk this difficult road. Blessings to you.
Dear sweet sweet Joanne. As you know, there have been many changes that have taken place in my life. Some not so good and others very good. Some by my own choice and some thru obedience to God. However, joy does come in the morning. My life is about relationships again, not the tangible items that have very little value and no value to God. I’m in the process of returning my life back to God and choosing whom I allow to be a part of the journey. I have been set free from the chains. I pray you, too, continue to keep your focus on God, yourself, and your children while not shutting out those whom God has put into your path. The closeness of our relationships are not always what we feel they should be. Know that I care deeply and will keep you and your whole family in my prayers. Please remember to say one for me. Also, keep writing your books as your words are a gift to be shared with His children. Thank you for being a part of my life.
Dearest readers and friends,
Thank you for your outpouring of love, encouragement and prayers. Our family is so bolstered by them and my heart is just filled. HUGS.
So sorry. You are cherished by the Father. May He bind up the broken heart.
Prayers through this time of difficulty.
Very sorry for your hurt but may God bring beauty from the ashes! God Bless you and touch you thru each step each day!
Dear friend, I love you deeply, and you will continue to be in my prayers. Truly, I know how you feel because I’ve experienced it too.
Dear, sweet girl, I am so sorry for your pain and sorrow. Please know that you are thought of and prayed for.
Dearest Joanne. How we love you. We have known of your journey, your pain, your grace, your strength, your trust in the Lord and how you have handled this difficult time. You are an amazing woman. The Lord will continue to hold you and you and your beautiful babies will wake up to sunshine in the mornings. You will always remain in our prayers.
Dearest Joanne, sometimes words aren’t enough. I wish I could say something to take away the pain, to ease this burden, to make things better–but I know I can’t. What I can offer is my love, my prayers, my voice among the others letting you know you are being held close. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. This post, like all your writing, will be a comfort and blessing countless others. .
Here’s a post by Terri Blackstock that I ran across which found encouraging for desert times.
http://mariashriver.com/blog/2016/02/reframing-your-past-turning-trials-into-triumph-if-i-run-terri-blackstock/
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I hope God brings you through this difficult season. You have been an inspiration to me in my own writing journey.
Sending so much love, Joanne. Sending prayers, too. That You would feel Him lifting your head and holding you up. ❤️❤️❤️❤️